TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting consideration from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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